So ladies, send back those Michael Vick jerseys, return that Schooby-Doo Ghia Pet and cancel that order for those nose-hair clippers, because, thank God, your man will be getting none of that this year.
What’s great about this advice is that it’s not limited to husbands and boyfriends. Oh no, it can be used by sisters, grandmothers, cousins and any females who want to treat a man to something special.
What, might you ask, do I get out of helping these women shine in their man’s eyes? My lone motivation is saving countless poor men the horror of opening gifts on Christmas morning and trying to act pleased with another bottle of Old Spice, a knitted scarf or a coffee mug with his name on it. I don’t want to drink out of anything with my name on it, thank you.
Because I consider myself an every-man — and a spokesman for the male gender — I guarantee that my likes and dislikes will jive perfectly with that special guy in your life.
Before you can gain knowledge about what to give, you have to understand what not to give. And that list is the most important.
Just because men like sports doesn’t give you the green light to buy them anything sports related and think they will love it. The trick is finding the right gift — and that can be tricky.
At the top of the no-no list is anything workout related. Giving your man the latest ab cruncher, or Billy Blanks Tae Bo DVD or Pilates self-help book will convey one message: “Hey fatty, why don’t you get off your lard behind and go work out?”
If I want to get some exercise, I’ll go down to the park and play some pickup basketball, or run to McDonald’s for a double Quarter Pounder with cheese Value Meal — super sized, please.
Another thing to scratch off your list is athlete-inspired fragrances. Whether its cologne by David Beckham, Michael Jordan or Derek Jeter, wanting to smell like another man is just wrong.